The Deity Entertainment Network

Chapter 257 – Going Off The Rails With The Crazy Train

-

"Are you being serious right now?!?" Luna asked him, vibrating with frustration.

"Well, you did say you would accept other women," John replied, ready to receive a well-deserved right hook.

"THE OTHER WOMEN ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!" She shouted, causing Nebula to look up from licking her paw and glance back at them.

"Listen, I'm-  Wait, what?" 

"You really need me to spell it out? Fine! You took me out on a date, showed me things from another world my father had only spoken about when I was a little girl, treated me better than I ever expected, then said you were serious about marrying me once we got to know each other better, but wanted to take it slow. Then you took off on a job, hooked up with both the Darkness and this Mica person, got one of them pregnant, and now you're going to marry them both?!?

What happened to taking things slow? Was it all a lie? Am I just too old for you to seriously consider me to be your wife? Someone for you just to toy around with, maybe have a fling, then discard me as other men have before? I trusted you, I thought you were different!" She started to cry as she spoke, obviously hurt from his actions.

"Hey, come here." He said, trying to touch her arm.

"No! Don't touch me!" She replied, pulling back from him. 

"Luna, I'm not going to abandon you. Sure, things went much faster than I planned with the other two. Hell, calling it a plan would be a lie; it just kind of happened in a rolling cascade of craziness. You know, Darkness has her... issue... which I have been helping her manage better. As for Mica, well, I saved her people and her life a couple of times in that crazy battle, and she took the initiative afterwards. It has nothing to do with your age; she is older than you are and has children from her previous marriage."

She blinked a few times, tears stopping and the glare leaving her face for a moment before returning, albeit somewhat softer. "Is there anyone else?"

"Umm, what?"

"Is it just those two? Or did you manage to sweep the Arch Priestess off her feet, too?"

"Not her, though she has been sleeping on me every night. Those two girls you had me check in on have been sleeping beside me as well, along with Chris, who is a friend of Darkness and one of the other adventurers in the guild. We haven't done anything, well... nothing intentional anyway."

"It sounds like your bed is already full and you want me too? Eris, why, why are you testing me this way?"

"Luna..."

"Don't Luna me. You... you stay right here and don't move. I'll be back in a few minutes. And try not to add more women or get anyone else pregnant in the process!" She said, standing up and stalking off towards the guild without looking back. John just let out a sigh.

I guess that went better than expected. Though, are we through, or does she have some sort of plan? 

On a whim, he activated Card on her retreating form, wondering what the heck she was thinking.

[Name - Luna]

[Race - Human]

[Class - Merchant (Guild Staff)]

[Age - 26]

[Birthday - August 15th]

[Aliases - Guild Lady]

[Likes - Wolves, Family, Children, Making Deals, Smart People, Confidence, Older Men, Broad Shoulders, Strawberries]

[Dislikes - Not Being Married, Adventurers That Cause Issues, Chickens, Being Teased About Her Love Life, Objectified About Her Breasts, Dishonesty]

[Virgin - No]

[Cup Size - G]

[Sexual Preferences - Romance. Pet Play (She Has A Collar And Dog Ear Headband)]

[Favourite Positions - Oral (Give and Receive), Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy Style.]

[Luna is a down-to-earth and gentle woman who always treats everyone with politeness, sweetness and a smile, despite the fact that she can barely hide her discontent and bad opinion of them at times.]

[Luna can be very strong-willed and cunning, and she is willing to seize the moment, both at work and in her personal life.]

[Due to her position at the Guild, Luna is the one responsible for cleaning the messes of her 'problem children', and she is constantly frazzled, just sleeping in her free time and having no social life or actual spare time, much to her frustration.]

[Luna is constantly jealous of her co-workers who usually quit their jobs in order to get married, leaving more work for her, and for such reason, she is desperate for romance while slowly becoming a spinster.]

[Current Thoughts - He has the nerve to court these other women and get one pregnant already?!? No way! Not this time! I'm sick of being second place to other women! I'm taking the next two days off, and he is going to pay for leaving me behind, even if I have to drag him by the ear to do it!]

"Well, I guess I'm not completely out of the woods yet, eh, girl?" John said, petting Nebula. The wolf just let out a slight groan, enjoying basking in the sunlight. He looked over the card again, shaking his head in confusion before closing it. "Just what in the world is pet play?"

"Hah, you want me to act like a pet for you, John? Oh, that will be embarrassing, hah, are you going to take me for walks around town, forcing me to be naked in public, hah! Oh, the shame... It's too much to even contemplate!" A familiar voice said from his blind side, making him whip his head to the right. 

"Darkness! Where did you come from? And Megumin?"

"Hello, my fellow disciple of Explosions! We meet again!" Megumin said, making one of her dramatic poses. Darkness was breathing quickly again, her cheeks already blushing; apparently, she had slipped a bit since she left for the city that morning.

"What are you two doing here? And Darkness, sit!" He said, pointing to his side, "Don't cause a scene."

"Yes, Sir. Do you want me to pant too? Maybe bark instead of speak?" She said, flopping down beside him and resting her head on his lap...like a dog.

"That's not- No, I want you to act like Nebula. Calm and relaxed. Then you will be a good girl, otherwise we are going to get you the pinkest dress we can find, and I will call you Lala until you can hold this in, got it!"

Jesus, what did I just get myself into?

"Hah, Yes, Sir."

Ignoring the crusader, he looked up at Megumin. "You can sit too, though I would prefer it if you didn't act like Darkness. What are you two doing here?"

She shook her head at Darkness, then sat down on his other side. "I dropped Yunyun off with a caravan heading towards our clan's lands, then realized I may have made a mistake by giving her all the money we earned for the trip. Then, when I was scrounging for scraps behind a bakery, I heard there was a giant wolf with a one-armed rider roaming around the city, so I came to the guild to find you. I met Darkness in the street just before getting here. I need your help. Can you lend me some money for food? Please?" She said, her stomach growling loudly.

"I won't loan you the money. I'll buy us some dinner once Luna comes back. She had to go inside for some reason and asked me to wait here."

"Thank you! I hate being hungry." She said, giving him a massive hug and pecking him on the cheek.

"My pleasure, Darling."

"Hah, John. Flirting with another girl in front of me is... hah, troubling."

"Are you not supposed to be acting like a good girl right now? Don't make me put your hair up in cute little buns again!"

"I'm sorry. It’s just… dealing with my family is taxing, and I need some release. Please?"

"I am not casting that spell on you here in the training yard."

"What? No, not that! Well, maybe a bit; if we were caught it would be suc- Ack! Sorry. I just... can you help me take the edge off?" She squawked when he flicked her forehead with a finger.

"Fine. I want to pamper my good girl for a bit, so lie still." He replied, then activated Healing Hands and began massaging her scalp. Her breathing slowed down, and she moaned contentedly; apparently, this worked for her issue. 

"You two have a really odd relationship."

"It's a little odd, but so is everything else around me. I'm not sure I've met one normal person since I got here." He replied. Luna was probably the closest person he met that wasn't a complete oddball. Well, Wiz was sweet, but she was an undead, so that was odd too.

"Hey! I'm normal!"

"You have one spell that knocks you out when you use it. It does have its uses, but that is hardly normal. Besides, doesn't the 'Arch' of Arch Wizard mean you are the master of all magics and not just one? Shouldn't you be the Explosion Empress or something?"

"Explosion Empress? Oh, I'm going to use that next time I need to introduce myself! Gaze upon me and tremble! You are about to be vanquished by Megumin, the Explosion Empress herself!" She said. She moved over to his lap and placed her hands on his shoulders, excitement growing in her ruby-red eye. "Can you show me how to pilot your mech today? I want to blow up even more things!"   

"Not today, that is going to take a serious amount of time. Before anything, I would need to figure out how to get you attuned to a neurohelmet. Wait a sec, since when did I agree to you becoming part of our party?"

"I thought coming to your rescue was enough to prove my worth? Your party couldn't have gotten into the castle without my magic, at least not as quickly." 

"Will you learn more magic? Or gain more mana and stamina so you don't collapse every time you cast that spell?"

"I... I... Well, there is a problem with that. I barely have the mana to cast the spell, so it eats at my stamina to cast it. If I cast it every day, it gets easier and takes less out of me. If I take other magics and practice with them, I won't have the mana to cast Explosion, and it will degrade and become weaker. As I level up, I gain even more mana, but I've been putting more points into faster casting and increasing how powerful the spell is, increasing its cost. Please! I love Explosion! Don't make me have to choose to lose one of the few things I love."

"Are there not other ways to increase your mana efficiency or something? Or a way to reduce the spell's cost? If you gain more levels, can't you just not use the new points to make the explosion even bigger? Let your mana pool catch up to the spell's cost?" He asked. He was curious about that himself. If he could drop the mana cost for his spells and bring that skill to other worlds, he would have much more combat endurance. 

I just need to get Aqua up a couple of levels so she can regenerate my limb, and I will be back in fighting shape. Heck, she could probably restore my eye, too. 

He sighed.

She is going to try a bargain with me to do that, isn't she?  'Worship me, else I won't restore your body' or something along those lines. Maybe I should just find another Arch Priest and see if they have that spell. It would be less of a headache.

"Not really. Our magics and skills only become more efficient with use." Megumin continued, apparently not noticing his sighing.

"I see." He said. "Fine. You're in."

"I can't let my- Wait? I'm in? I thought you said I needed to learn more spells?"

"I did, and while I would prefer you did that, I won't force you. However, things have changed since we rescued the Moonfall clan. Having a powerful weapon like Explosion could come in useful when we go after the Devil King. That said, we need to start working on other aspects of your training."

"What do you mean?"

"You say we can't increase your mana pool without you levelling up, and you burn your points to improve that spell, so that is one bottleneck we can't change. What we can do is increase your endurance. As long as you agree, starting tomorrow, you are going to join me for my morning training. If I can't convince you to stop making your spell more powerful, I'll run you into the ground until you can at least walk after you cast it."

"Run? Ahh... I really haven't done anything physical before."

"Don't worry. We will ease into it. Between working out and making sure you're well fed, I think we can get you to a point where you're not passing out every time you cast a spell."

"Do I have to... I like the idea of being well fed, but I really don't want a lot of muscles."

"Cardio won't make your muscles bigger, and the exercises I'll put you through will probably just give you more tone at most. Are you willing to try it?"

"I don't really have a choice. If I say no, I'll be stuck back on the street, rummaging through the garbage for food again."

"That is the choice you made by focusing on that one spell." He replied. He wasn't going to let her go hungry even if she didn't accept, but he allowed this one lie of omission to happen since he wanted her to become a little more independent once she exploded.

"Fine. I'll exercise." 

"Good. Now, Darkness. Are you good?"

"Hun? Me?" She said, completely zoned out right now.

"Yes, you. Was this enough, or should I keep petting your head while you tell me how your meeting went?"

"Keep petting me, please. Your fingers are magical. They are making my headache go away. As for how things went, he will be coming out to the castle tomorrow with some soldiers and supplies. He wasn't against allowing the Moonfall clan to keep the place, but he wanted to meet with Mica first. He also wanted to meet you immediately, but is willing to wait until tomorrow. Oh, and you're not allowed to lay a finger on me until after he talks with you, but I told him we already were intimate, and since I am now despoiled, I wouldn't accept another man as my husband."

"Seriously? I thought we-"

"I know I am still a virgin. I also know my father and how nobles think. The virginity thing is a major sticking point for most nobles, so now he has to accept you as my future husband. My... issue was already a major problem for finding a husband, so now it would be impossible to find someone for me within the nobility. So, it is yours whenever you want it, though I would prefer my actual first time not to be in public while acting like a dog."

"We are not doing that here. Fine, I don't like this, but it's already done. Now, no more sex talk. You're making Megumin's cheeks turn the same shade as her cloak."

"N-N-No, I'm fine. Sex is a thing that adults do. One of the reasons I left home was that my mother wouldn't stop trying to marry me to the boys there. I'm not ready to start a family, not yet anyway. I love my magic too much for that."

"You're getting older now, you should start thinking about it soon. You won't always find a man like John around who doesn't mind older women." Darkness said, causing the Arch Wizard to blush even more. It didn't help that she was sitting on his other leg and still staring at him.

"I want kids soon, but not yet. I want to completely master my Explosion magic first!"

"Well, I can't wait until I have children. I want at least three, preferably five."

"F-five? That would be so expensive. My parents could barely afford to feed my sister and me."

"I'm not sure about where you are from, but this is the breadbasket of the kingdom; food is fairly cheap here. Not to mention, cabbage season is coming up soon, and if we have a bumper harvest as expected, we will be shipping tons more food to the surrounding regions. With proper budgeting, even a poor family could feed a dozen mouths here in Axel. They might be living in a shack, but they would be fed."

"A d-d-dozen? I could have a dozen children? How?"

"With a strong man who wants a busy household. How many kids do you want, John? John? Why did you stop stroking my hair?"

"Oh... just realizing that I'm going to have a very, very, busy household in this world with how many kids you, Mica and possibly Luna want."

"Possibly? I thought you two were already dating?"

"Yeah, but she just found out about our agreement, and about Mica. She was a bit angry, told me to wait here, then stormed off into the guild. I'm not sure we are-"

"JOHN! DAMN IT! WHAT DID I SAY! Stop adding more women!" Luna shouted. He didn't see her come out because Megumin was between him and the door of the guild. 

"I'm not! We are just chatting!"

"While she sits on your lap with her face inches from yours?!? Well, whatever, what is one more at this point?" She said, standing in front of him with a heavy-looking sack that clinked when it moved. "Here's your pay, now let's go. I want my promise pendant now, and once you meet my parents tomorrow, we are getting married. Immediately! Oh, you might as well get them for these two and any of your other women while you're at it. I can help you get a bulk deal."

"Hun? M-m-married?"

"What? I mean, thank you for my pay, but if you are so angry about this, why do you want to still be with me?" John replied, ignoring Megumin stuttering on his lap and focused on Luna.

"I'm not angry, I'm ecstatic! I'm done dealing with adventurers who give me false pity, ogle my breasts yet don't want to commit to me, then cause me nothing but problems every day! You agreed to marry that woman without knowing her, well, you already said you would marry me. So I processed your quest and quit! We are going to get married, and you're going to make me a mother, and I can finally relax. At least any issues our kids will give us will be from our kids, not adults who are acting like kids." She said, her tone becoming excited rather than annoyed. 

"Luna... that is crazy. Why would you quit your job?!? I'm still not sure I have a place for us to live yet."

"That Lich you killed was named and had a bounty on him even higher than a couple of the Devil King's generals. You're flush with cash right now, so you can afford to get us a place. Not to mention my dowry is a lot, and if you're marrying Darkness too, hers will be even more."

"It's true. Last I checked, my father had 100 million Eris as my dowry."

"A h-h-hundred million? Nobles have that much money just sitting around to pay someone to marry their daughters?" Megumin said, looking as shocked as John felt. He could buy a large mansion in the city for that kind of money, or a couple of estates outside the walls. As long as the meeting went well tomorrow with Darkness's father, he could support the Moonfall clan for a significant amount of time while they get their feet underneath them again.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch! A lot can happen in a day or two.  

"It's a significant amount of my family's generational wealth. I... am a hard sell for most people." Darkness added, sitting up finally and looking genuinely embarrassed about the amount of her dowry. 

"See? We will be fine. Anyway, even if I had to live in the woods with you right now, I would still quit. I'm done with that nonsense and ready to start a new chapter in my life. So, c'mon. Get up, give me a kiss, and let's head to the market. I want a nice pendant with a red stone."  

"Red looks good on me, too." Darkness said, joining in on Luna's insanity.

"Umm... black for me... though I would be happy with just a meal if you don't want that," Megumin said, her stomach choosing that moment to let out a loud growl.

He blinked a few times and just started to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  (Konosuba!)